San Lorenzo

In the summer of 1969 we moved from Hayward to San Lorenzo. It is also the year I started kindergarten at Grant School. My teacher was Mrs. Comb. We only went to school for half a day; I went to the morning session. I remember the best part of class was the "Free Time" where we got to choose a station in the classroom to play at. I know I always wanted to play with the blocks. It was a popular choice, so I did not always get to do what I wanted. The worst was getting stuck in the "House" with mostly girls.

In 1970, I started 1st grade with Mrs. Bierwith. I was only in that class for a short period of time. Sometime in the Fall of that year, Grandpa and Grandma Clara came to visit. They were not Marie's natural parents, but were foster parents of Marie for a significant amount of time. For whatever reason, I went home with them to Lynnwood, California, and stayed with them and went to school there through Christmas that year. We drove the whole way, the first road trip that I can remember. I flew back home and finished the school year at Grant.

The summer of 1971, I went back to Grandma Clara's and stayed with them for most of the summer. There was a feral cat behind her house that had kittens and grandma tried and tried to get this one cute kitten to take food from her. I think she wanted to adopt it as a pet, but it never got brave enough to come close. It was here that I was first introduced to soap operas. Grandma Clara was an avid soap opera watcher. We used to watch "All My Children" with Susan Lucci as Erica Kane and "General Hospital" everyday. It is amazing that these shows are still running today. We watched "Dialing for Dollars" and "Let's Make a Deal" with Monty Hall regularly as well.

I also remember it was a summer of football trading cards with the kids across the street. Whenever we had a dime we would buy a pack of cards from the Ice Cream Truck. The standouts that I remember were, Darryl Lemonica from the Raiders and Bubba Smith from the Colts. Those were hot cards, at least to us.

Our San Lorenzo Home:




When we lived there, the garage was detached and there was no second story. It was a small 3 bedroom 1 bath home. The detached garage was huge though, it was long, it ran the length of the house. Craig used it as a workshop mostly. The big window next to the garage did not exist. It was a fence and gate that opened to a walkway between the house and the garage. The house was also white with green trim.




Blue Circle: House
Red Circle: Grant School
Green Circle: LDS Church

Emily and Grandma Pete

From South Temple go north on P Street. Right on 4th. Left on Center (entrance to cemetery). Follow red line that starts on P street.



Red X is approximate location.

Freakishly Cool!

We decided to go on a hike! Mariah & her friend Sloan, Gib and I finally decided the time had arrived to see what is at the top of the highest hill in Cool Springs behind our house. What made it the right time? Well....there aren't any leaves yet, so I could find my way home with about 99% certainty, no ticks out yet (guess again...found one crawling up my jeans...yuck!) and a nice, sunny day! The bonus was a friend to go with us!

Here are the photos from our grand adventure. They are not in order, but oh well, this is as advanced as I get with point & click-ability. There was 2 steep parts and pretty much only a deer trail, oh and probably a patch of poison ivy, and the golf course to guide the way!

All during the "hike" Mariah's friend kept commenting on what a cool mom I was, and my absolute favorite was at the top of the hill, after a particularly funny mountain raisin joke (aka deer poop), she whispered to Mariah...."your mom is FREAKISHLY cool!". The hike was a mile or two and 5 rest stops, 31 golf balls, a pile of bones from which we salvaged a jaw bone & 2 leg-looking bones, and a rock with a built in "raisin" holder. Oh yeah, we also brought home 2 flat rocks about the size of dinner plates to add to our rock garden. At home we ended up with 3 kids soaking their feet in my bathtub until I relented and let Mariah & Sloan get in swimsuits for a bubble bath (with Gib & Taryn terrorizing the girls). We were tick free and hopefully washed off any potential poison ivy. We had french fries & pigs in a blanket for dinner. It was the best day of Spring Break! The girls did alot of girly stuff this evening that revolved around you tube funny videos, Candy Mountain, and American Idol and Paula & Simon's kiss. It was Freakishly Cool!




Almost home....too tired, can't go on....which way should we go? Oh, follow the golf course sidewalk?! There's a clue.



View from almost-the-top - the kids elementary and middle schools are right above golf course pond in the hills...look for a green roof on a red brick building. Sloan's house is in the corner of the shot (somewhere around there anyway...a golf course is between our houses).



Off on our adventure! Got plenty of water, crackers, nuts, a camera, gloves, sunglasses, hiking sticks, insect repellent, chapstick, you know, girl gear!

Water break #1 - about 100 yards into the hike



Snack break on a log in the sun...what a wonderful day! This was probably stop #3




This was at stop #1 when I foolishly let the kids collect all the golf balls they could find. I ended up with over 30 in my backpack! I thought two things 1) There must be alot of bad golfers and 2) I wonder how safe it is to be walking around here!

Rest stop #2 came with seating!



Off again - on our second hill to get to the highest point in all of Cool Springs!

BTDT

Going up the hill....about 4 rest stops

Coming down the hill....just this one!

Stock Market

Sold NBR (B 051229 @ 38.04 S 080320 @ 30.54) apr= -9%
Sold BWLD (B 080310 @ 20.45 S 080320 @ 24.52) apr= 716%

Why do I post stock trades?

Very Touched - reply to deja vu

Thank you everyone for all your comments and support & love - I had no idea that it ever crossed anyone's mind, and especially that my neices would even remember Emily because you were all pretty young then. It means alot to know you do.

Mickie - you are so sweet to offer go up to Emily's grave. Mike is going to go on Wednesday, so he's got it covered, and I think it would be a long drive after a day at work. But I so appreciate that you were willing. Mike will call me on the phone and we'll do a little long distance prayer together. I always feel kinda sad that we don't get to go on Memorial Day, and believe it or not, that SLC cemetery is one hoppin' joyful place that day, so anytime you or anyone else want to take up some picnic food and a little balloon or bouquet then so Emily and Grandma Pete get a prayer and flowers like all the others there, you'll be surrounded by people doing the same. I was amazed that people go up there like it was a tailgating party that day! I always wonder what our loved ones think of it and if they ever join us there. One time, a friend from a support group went to take flowers the first year we were here in TN and couldn't go. She said she brought a pinwheel and said a little prayer and the pinwheel started spinning even though there was no breeze. So maybe they are aware and appreciate being remembered. I really like to walk or drive around and see so many church leaders' gravestones and what they say. It's pretty cool in a cemetary-sort of way.

Trish, It's not often that other people know how special it is to have their loved ones remembered by name. Thank you so much for your words - it really meant more than I can say. I had no idea that anyone visited Emily besides us. I'm so very touched. I hope you are at the stage in this pregnancy that a fear of miscarriage is over, but I know you said at this point with KK you had to go on bed rest? Take care; I'll be praying for you and the little one. Someday, those of us who have babies, as Mike's post said, that were too pure to be on earth, gained their bodies and returned straight back to the presence of Heavenly Father will be ours to raise...and won't we all be busy then?!

Bobbie - it's so hard to not be scared for others when they are pregnant, and I know so many women in our family have had multiple losses. I always breathe a huge sigh of relief whenever any of you have your baby in your arms safe and sound. I'm so glad you thought of me and Emily while you were prego with JD, and I'm sure it was so incredibly scary going thru the health crisis you had with pregnancy. I feel sad that you can't safely have another pregnancy, but so so so relieved you have JD now. I hope in some small way, maybe being extra careful helped you. Your mom was a big help to me then, and I'm glad you have her near you to help with JD. That's something I really missed - not having a mom in the same state ever, until now.

Kristen - Thanks, I agree. I distinctly remember when I lost Emily that if she could be the last baby ever lost, that I could make that sacrifice knowing nobody would have to go thru what we were. And it was so sad knowing that every day, somebody would be grieving a lost baby, because it just isn't preventable. I think we as mothers would do just about anything to make sure that nobody ever lost a child again. Unfortunately that's just not possible in this life.

Kay - thanks for being such a warm, fun person...even in blogging, I can see you saying it!

Holly - Love ya too babe. I thought of you alot when I wrote that post. I don't remember those days too clearly - but I remember you being there and wanting so badly to do something to help. It was a difficult time and you were a god-send.

Mike - thanks for being such a great husband and friend. You're right :) you don't always have the words, but actions speak louder and are more important anyway, and I know how much all of us mean to you. You can't skip the hardships, but it makes it easier to have you by my side thru them! We've been very blessed with wonderful children and a home filled with love. I love you!

Emily - How do I feel...

One thing I am not very good at is translating my feelings to words. I always seem to get close, but never seem to come up with the right words. Most of the time they are incomplete and rarely present the full picture. However, I will attempt to do so now.

Let me begin with a qoute from Elder Earl C. Tingey:

"The Fall of Adam and Eve brought about two deaths. We are subject to those deaths. Physical death is the separation of the spirit from the physical body. Because of the Fall of Adam, all mankind will suffer physical death. The second death is spiritual. It is separation from God’s presence. Adam and Eve freely conversed with God in the Garden of Eden. After their transgression, they lost that privilege. Thereafter, communication from God came only through faith and sacrifice, combined with heartfelt petitioning. Currently, we are all in the state of spiritual death. We are separated from God. He dwells in heaven; we live on earth."

While I did not learn this concept until I was much older, I believe I recognized it as a child. If we look at death in the pure sense of "separation" which includes the loss of communication, I, as a child, was subjected to several significant separations. I was separated from my natural father before I even knew him. At the age of ten, I was separated from my brothers and sisters and my mother and father. To me, each of these qualifies as a "death".

As a ten year old this was a complete implosion of my world. Everything I knew and loved was being taken from me, how would I survive. I remember sitting in the truck with my dad, Craig, in the driveway of our Castro Valley home as he explained to me that this was what was best for us kids at this time. That this was just a temporary situation. In just a short time, we could see and talk with each other again. This was the last time I spoke with Craig at that time in my life and I remember distinctly saying to him as I got out of the truck, "I will see you when I am 18." I think it was at that point that I realized, I can do this. I have no control over what is happening to me, but I can move on and make the best of what I have. When the time comes, I will have the opportunity to rebuild those relationships if I choose.

To some, it may appear that I am emotionally detached, that death doesn't affect me the way it "should". As far as death is concerned, I believe I am a battle-scarred veteran. Do I hurt, do I grieve for what is lost? YES, but I can only let it do so for a short period of time. Life keeps moving, and I must do the best with what I can control and not let things out of my control tear me down. It is how I survived and who I am.

To continue quoting Elder Tingey:

"The Atonement is an event that enables us to be reconciled to God. The word atonement, or “at-one-ment,” means to restore or to come back. In terms of family, it means to be reunited with one another and with God and His Son, Jesus Christ. It means sadness through separation will become happiness through reuniting."

It is this fact that makes so much sense to me, that this is all temporary, it allows me to accept what may come and still continue on. I know that through the atonement, all will be made whole. We will have those joyous reunions, such reunions have already occurred in my life. I have come to know and love my natural father, Fred. I have been in contact with all but two of my sisters. I am thankful for all those that are still a part of my life, for the strength and support you give.

There has always been one quote that has stayed in my heart when I think of Emily:

"The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again. … "

Deja Vu - Warning this is an Emo-Post.

Do not read if you are somewhere where you A) don't have alot of time and B) don't want to cry.
Or, scroll down to the end where it's not so sniffly.

* * * * *

I just realized the other day that this year, the dates and the days of the week align exactly the way it was when we lost Emily. It's a weird kind of deja vu that both makes me want to not relive it all, but makes me relive it all because how could you not when it lines up this way?!

I try not to go too maudlin on these anniversaries, but with the circumstances, and other losses in the family, I feel like it's almost like forgetting her by not remembering even if it makes me cry. So read on with tissues, but totally feel free to stop right now...this is for me and Emily and anyone who wants to remember with me.

These anniversaries....you know they are coming, you think you are handling it really well, that this year you won't cry....and then wham! You look at the calendar, you see a daffodil, you see a brand new baby - or a child the same age as she would have been, or you walk in the store and see St. Patrick's day stuff and remember a day 11 years ago. These kind of things really steal your breath and it's like a punch in the heart.

It's been 11 years, and time has definitely made it an easier burden to bear, but some days, like from now until March 19th, will always be tinged with sadness. 11 years ago, Mike left to go out of town and later that day, Sunday March 16th, my back started aching and was not feeling well. I was 7 1/2 months along in my pregnancy. By late Sunday night, I knew something was wrong. I read my pregnancy books and they all said to wait until morning and call the doctor. So I did. It probably wouldn't have made any difference, but still, how I hate that advice!

Everyone out there: If you're pregnant and you think something is wrong - never wait until morning!!! No matter what is wrong - you are worth any inconvenience to friends and family - and healthcare people are paid to be at work 24/7! Go in! Don't delay! Feel silly or embarrassed later, wear that Drama Queen tiara with pride.

On that Monday, St. Patrick's Day, I was very nervous and tried not to be short tempered with Indy and Taryn. I was dropping them off at preschool and Taryn at a friends, so I could go to the hospital and find out why the baby wasn't moving. As we left the house, I noticed my first daffodil blooming that we planted the previous Fall in the front yard. To say that my world came crashing down, reminiscent now of the trade towers collapsing in 2001, is just the tip of the iceberg.

It must have been at the same moment that I saw the little baby's heart not beating on the ultrasound, that Mike by some miracle, felt the need to call, but wasn't sure who or where. Remember this was before everyone and their kids all had cell phones. I think Linda told Ray to get ahold of Mike somehow. Mike called in to the customer he was to see the next day, and they said something to the effect of everyone is looking for you. Next thing I knew, Mike was on the phone at the hospital, literally within 20 minutes of me finding out Emily was gone. Even though we found on the 17th, it took until the 19th to deliver our stillborn baby. So, sometimes I feel like it takes all 3 days to get past an emotional time for me.

Today we went to church with Grammy. I want the kids to know what other churches do on special religious holidays that I rather feel we overlook. Maybe it's the convert in me, but when it's Holy Week, Easter, Christmas....it should look, feel, and sound like it! As we listened to a re-enactment of Judas' betrayal, the trial, Pontius Pilot washing his hands of the execution of an innocent man, of Peter's denial, and Jesus' cruxifiction, I stopped to think of how this year, when Easter happens the same week as Emily's death - it's almost surreal to relate to what it must have been like for Christ's apostles those 3 days he was gone. I am so thankful for the Atonement and the miracle that I experienced after losing Emily because I found out in a real and personal way that Christ knows us and our sufferings personally, that he willingly took them upon himself, with the sins of all mankind, to succor us in our time of need, and to make it possible for us to return to our Heavenly Father, our babies, our brothers and sisters, moms and dads, grandparents; to be with our families in such joy after all we have experienced in our lives.

So...whew! that'll clear out the room fast, won't it?! Wow - I doubt anyone but Mike is still with me. If you are - wow - thanks, for feeling my pain with me! I know your thoughts and prayers give me strength.

Here we are today. So much farther than I ever thought I'd be able to realize. I plant daffodils every year, for happy reasons that always remind me of when Mike and I were a couple, and sad reasons - for my Emily, and to help me remember how far I've come from the time before I ever knew what sorrow really was. I have 2 cute little daffodils on the back porch in bloom right now, the rest, just like everything under God's Plan, will come about when they are ready. The year after we lost Emily, my daffodils bloomed really early, what was it around Feb. 15th? a few days before Mariah was born, maybe a week at most...and I cut them all and we took them to her grave, a month before the anniversary of her death because I was pregnant and due at the same week of Emily's day - March 19th., and didn't know what would happen, but I definitely didn't want to leave her grave unattended on her first Emily's Day as we call it.

Heavenly Father has a way of taking care of you sometimes that you don't realize - Mariah came right after that - a whole month early - on February 19th. So I didn't have to deal with bringing a baby into the world at the same time as grieving the one He took back.

And, once again, Mike is in Utah during the week of Emily's death...it's bittersweet, because he almost always is gone away this week, just like when she died, and I struggle through it alone (both unhappy he's gone and happy that I'm by myself to mourn, at least as alone as you can be surrounded by kids *and a mom* who have interrupted like 5 times while I'm writing this - and I'm glad he's there to take care of her grave - it's so comforting in a morbid kind of way - unless you've lost someone who was deep in your heart, you just don't see how, but it is). We even have pictures - same grave, different flowers, balloons, pinwheels, kids getting older as the years go by. All to be able to take a moment to pray in remembrance and with the faith that we'll be together again.

And that's just the way life is. To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.