Emily - How do I feel...

One thing I am not very good at is translating my feelings to words. I always seem to get close, but never seem to come up with the right words. Most of the time they are incomplete and rarely present the full picture. However, I will attempt to do so now.

Let me begin with a qoute from Elder Earl C. Tingey:

"The Fall of Adam and Eve brought about two deaths. We are subject to those deaths. Physical death is the separation of the spirit from the physical body. Because of the Fall of Adam, all mankind will suffer physical death. The second death is spiritual. It is separation from God’s presence. Adam and Eve freely conversed with God in the Garden of Eden. After their transgression, they lost that privilege. Thereafter, communication from God came only through faith and sacrifice, combined with heartfelt petitioning. Currently, we are all in the state of spiritual death. We are separated from God. He dwells in heaven; we live on earth."

While I did not learn this concept until I was much older, I believe I recognized it as a child. If we look at death in the pure sense of "separation" which includes the loss of communication, I, as a child, was subjected to several significant separations. I was separated from my natural father before I even knew him. At the age of ten, I was separated from my brothers and sisters and my mother and father. To me, each of these qualifies as a "death".

As a ten year old this was a complete implosion of my world. Everything I knew and loved was being taken from me, how would I survive. I remember sitting in the truck with my dad, Craig, in the driveway of our Castro Valley home as he explained to me that this was what was best for us kids at this time. That this was just a temporary situation. In just a short time, we could see and talk with each other again. This was the last time I spoke with Craig at that time in my life and I remember distinctly saying to him as I got out of the truck, "I will see you when I am 18." I think it was at that point that I realized, I can do this. I have no control over what is happening to me, but I can move on and make the best of what I have. When the time comes, I will have the opportunity to rebuild those relationships if I choose.

To some, it may appear that I am emotionally detached, that death doesn't affect me the way it "should". As far as death is concerned, I believe I am a battle-scarred veteran. Do I hurt, do I grieve for what is lost? YES, but I can only let it do so for a short period of time. Life keeps moving, and I must do the best with what I can control and not let things out of my control tear me down. It is how I survived and who I am.

To continue quoting Elder Tingey:

"The Atonement is an event that enables us to be reconciled to God. The word atonement, or “at-one-ment,” means to restore or to come back. In terms of family, it means to be reunited with one another and with God and His Son, Jesus Christ. It means sadness through separation will become happiness through reuniting."

It is this fact that makes so much sense to me, that this is all temporary, it allows me to accept what may come and still continue on. I know that through the atonement, all will be made whole. We will have those joyous reunions, such reunions have already occurred in my life. I have come to know and love my natural father, Fred. I have been in contact with all but two of my sisters. I am thankful for all those that are still a part of my life, for the strength and support you give.

There has always been one quote that has stayed in my heart when I think of Emily:

"The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again. … "