Deja Vu - Warning this is an Emo-Post.

Do not read if you are somewhere where you A) don't have alot of time and B) don't want to cry.
Or, scroll down to the end where it's not so sniffly.

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I just realized the other day that this year, the dates and the days of the week align exactly the way it was when we lost Emily. It's a weird kind of deja vu that both makes me want to not relive it all, but makes me relive it all because how could you not when it lines up this way?!

I try not to go too maudlin on these anniversaries, but with the circumstances, and other losses in the family, I feel like it's almost like forgetting her by not remembering even if it makes me cry. So read on with tissues, but totally feel free to stop right now...this is for me and Emily and anyone who wants to remember with me.

These anniversaries....you know they are coming, you think you are handling it really well, that this year you won't cry....and then wham! You look at the calendar, you see a daffodil, you see a brand new baby - or a child the same age as she would have been, or you walk in the store and see St. Patrick's day stuff and remember a day 11 years ago. These kind of things really steal your breath and it's like a punch in the heart.

It's been 11 years, and time has definitely made it an easier burden to bear, but some days, like from now until March 19th, will always be tinged with sadness. 11 years ago, Mike left to go out of town and later that day, Sunday March 16th, my back started aching and was not feeling well. I was 7 1/2 months along in my pregnancy. By late Sunday night, I knew something was wrong. I read my pregnancy books and they all said to wait until morning and call the doctor. So I did. It probably wouldn't have made any difference, but still, how I hate that advice!

Everyone out there: If you're pregnant and you think something is wrong - never wait until morning!!! No matter what is wrong - you are worth any inconvenience to friends and family - and healthcare people are paid to be at work 24/7! Go in! Don't delay! Feel silly or embarrassed later, wear that Drama Queen tiara with pride.

On that Monday, St. Patrick's Day, I was very nervous and tried not to be short tempered with Indy and Taryn. I was dropping them off at preschool and Taryn at a friends, so I could go to the hospital and find out why the baby wasn't moving. As we left the house, I noticed my first daffodil blooming that we planted the previous Fall in the front yard. To say that my world came crashing down, reminiscent now of the trade towers collapsing in 2001, is just the tip of the iceberg.

It must have been at the same moment that I saw the little baby's heart not beating on the ultrasound, that Mike by some miracle, felt the need to call, but wasn't sure who or where. Remember this was before everyone and their kids all had cell phones. I think Linda told Ray to get ahold of Mike somehow. Mike called in to the customer he was to see the next day, and they said something to the effect of everyone is looking for you. Next thing I knew, Mike was on the phone at the hospital, literally within 20 minutes of me finding out Emily was gone. Even though we found on the 17th, it took until the 19th to deliver our stillborn baby. So, sometimes I feel like it takes all 3 days to get past an emotional time for me.

Today we went to church with Grammy. I want the kids to know what other churches do on special religious holidays that I rather feel we overlook. Maybe it's the convert in me, but when it's Holy Week, Easter, Christmas....it should look, feel, and sound like it! As we listened to a re-enactment of Judas' betrayal, the trial, Pontius Pilot washing his hands of the execution of an innocent man, of Peter's denial, and Jesus' cruxifiction, I stopped to think of how this year, when Easter happens the same week as Emily's death - it's almost surreal to relate to what it must have been like for Christ's apostles those 3 days he was gone. I am so thankful for the Atonement and the miracle that I experienced after losing Emily because I found out in a real and personal way that Christ knows us and our sufferings personally, that he willingly took them upon himself, with the sins of all mankind, to succor us in our time of need, and to make it possible for us to return to our Heavenly Father, our babies, our brothers and sisters, moms and dads, grandparents; to be with our families in such joy after all we have experienced in our lives.

So...whew! that'll clear out the room fast, won't it?! Wow - I doubt anyone but Mike is still with me. If you are - wow - thanks, for feeling my pain with me! I know your thoughts and prayers give me strength.

Here we are today. So much farther than I ever thought I'd be able to realize. I plant daffodils every year, for happy reasons that always remind me of when Mike and I were a couple, and sad reasons - for my Emily, and to help me remember how far I've come from the time before I ever knew what sorrow really was. I have 2 cute little daffodils on the back porch in bloom right now, the rest, just like everything under God's Plan, will come about when they are ready. The year after we lost Emily, my daffodils bloomed really early, what was it around Feb. 15th? a few days before Mariah was born, maybe a week at most...and I cut them all and we took them to her grave, a month before the anniversary of her death because I was pregnant and due at the same week of Emily's day - March 19th., and didn't know what would happen, but I definitely didn't want to leave her grave unattended on her first Emily's Day as we call it.

Heavenly Father has a way of taking care of you sometimes that you don't realize - Mariah came right after that - a whole month early - on February 19th. So I didn't have to deal with bringing a baby into the world at the same time as grieving the one He took back.

And, once again, Mike is in Utah during the week of Emily's death...it's bittersweet, because he almost always is gone away this week, just like when she died, and I struggle through it alone (both unhappy he's gone and happy that I'm by myself to mourn, at least as alone as you can be surrounded by kids *and a mom* who have interrupted like 5 times while I'm writing this - and I'm glad he's there to take care of her grave - it's so comforting in a morbid kind of way - unless you've lost someone who was deep in your heart, you just don't see how, but it is). We even have pictures - same grave, different flowers, balloons, pinwheels, kids getting older as the years go by. All to be able to take a moment to pray in remembrance and with the faith that we'll be together again.

And that's just the way life is. To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.